Depression? Me?

How does one know if one has depression?

I have been sort of coerced into making appointments to see a shrink, but the party who “convinced” me to do it will be picking up the tab for the first few sessions at least. I agreed to meet the psychiatrist partly to get the person off my back (she didn’t seem to want to give up until I agreed to it), and also because I am scaring myself with occasional thoughts of suicide.

I am not obsessed with killing myself, but it does cross my mind sometimes if stepping into oncoming traffic wouldn’t solve my problems once and for all. I normally despise suicide; to me it reeks of self-centredness and weakness of character, so for me to actually even briefly entertaining thoughts of suicide is cause for alarm.

I was also told not to feel inferior or weak minded about the need to see a shrink. But I just can’t help it. I grew up with strong personalities. I admire them. I like the idea of being strong and self reliant, and not needing anyone to hold my hand through life’s crises. I also hate the load of obligation of being on the receiving end where help is concerned, but at least with a paid psychiatrist, I don’t have to be concerned about this.

I think all I am experiencing is ennui, some laziness and a little of the quarter life crisis. I think I know what to do to snap myself out of it; all I need is some guts to venture into the unknown. For a person for whom stability is the single biggest concern in life, stepping out of the comfort zone is the biggest challenge of them all, and I haven’t been able to do it…..yet. Will sessions with a psychiatrist give me the balls to do it?

Anyway, I am kind of looking forward to the sessions with a kind of detached clinical interest, but deep down, I am pretty skeptical; I don’t really believe the psychiatrist will be able to help. But it should be interesting nonetheless.

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2 comments on “Depression? Me?

  1. […] has been one long exercise in self reflection. Actually, it has been a continual phase since my funk last December as I attempt to figure out how I really want my life to move forward. The results, […]

  2. […] stress caused some health issues, and a slight depression, and finally ended in me saying “Demote me or I’m leaving ”. I can’t help but think that it […]

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