This week marks my third visit to the counselor. I hate to admit this, but I am actually looking forward to the session.
My first session was kind of embarrassing. I thought I had myself well in hand, and was feeling pretty cynical and skeptical when I went into the office, and somehow determined to not keep an open mind. I didn’t want the sessions to work; I wanted to hang on to all my pre-conceived prejudices toward psychiatrists.
I guess I was in a worse emotional state than I had reckoned. I was totally reduced to a watery blubber just ten minutes into the session. And the guy did nothing other than ask me for my life story. Everything just came pouring out, all my grievances, angst, and disappointments, accompanied by a lot of snot. I guess I made a really pathetic picture.
I still think it is up to me to sort out all my neuroses and stuff and get back on even keel. However, I have to admit it makes me feel a lot better to have someone neutral to talk to. It is difficult for me to express my innermost thoughts and feelings to people who have a vested interest in my life, because I am always so concerned about being judged. I don’t really care if the therapist thinks I am a) stupid, b) crazy, c) a loser, d) all of the above, because I need never see him again, if I so wish. His judgment will have no impact on my life. Yet, there is a sort of professional link between us, so it doesn’t make me feel like I am confiding in a total stranger (which to me is like, what’s the point?).
Anyway, I have discovered that I am not as naturally quiet as I thought I was; I only needed to find someone suitable to burn their ears off. I have only been unconsciously suppressing myself because I didn’t have a candidate. Oh, it helps that the therapist is a male. I don’t think a female counselor would have worked as well; I always had trouble relating to females.
We are now in the process of working out stress management exercises to help me cope, and I am going along with it, but I feel like telling him what really helps is being able to confide and talk. The problem is that the company is paying for these sessions with him right now, and these will be finite, so what am I going to do for a confidante after this? I don’t think he comes cheap, and paying $$$ just to have someone I can talk to goes against the grain of every personal finance principle I own.
So anyway, yeah, I guess you can call me a convert.