On My Internal Barriers

One of the final takeaways of my counseling sessions was this:

I have too many internal barriers that I have developed over the years to protect myself. However, these barriers also prevent me from engaging fully in life and having meaningful relationships. If I want to live in the 7-9 region of the happiness scale, they need to come down. I need to be vulnerable.

It seems serendipitous somehow that that I come across this well written post on Kathryn’s Conversations.

I recognise the truth in my counselor’s conclusions. The barriers are hardly only internal anyway; I also dislike physical contact in general. I hate to be hugged. But it is just so hard to even imagine letting down those barriers, and letting myself in for a world of hurt when I know it will come, let around actually doing it.

I told my counselor that the 7-9 region on the happiness scale is such an abstract idea to me, that I cannot really wrap my head around it actually being possible. On the other hand, I remember clearly all those times I was in the 2s and 3s even now. And if keeping those barriers can keep me permanently in the 5s, then I am not sure if I can convince my inner self to let go.

Just like I can still feel the pain of all my various investment losses, but not so much the joys of the gains (now that I think about it, I didn’t have that many anyway), hence,  my super conservative investment strategy (or what little there is of it).

So now there is standoff. I need to let down my barriers to be happy and rich. However, I feel like I cannot let go of these barriers unless I am happy and rich.

What a mess I am.


One comment on “On My Internal Barriers

  1. Kathryn C says:

    Thank you for the link Miss JJ.
    I enjoyed your post. Especially where you talk about want to be on the “happiness scale.” Hadn’t ever thought about it that way. I’m going to start targeting my happiness that way too now.

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