One of the final takeaways of my counseling sessions was this:
I have too many internal barriers that I have developed over the years to protect myself. However, these barriers also prevent me from engaging fully in life and having meaningful relationships. If I want to live in the 7-9 region of the happiness scale, they need to come down. I need to be vulnerable.
It seems serendipitous somehow that that I come across this well written post on Kathryn’s Conversations.
I recognise the truth in my counselor’s conclusions. The barriers are hardly only internal anyway; I also dislike physical contact in general. I hate to be hugged. But it is just so hard to even imagine letting down those barriers, and letting myself in for a world of hurt when I know it will come, let around actually doing it.
I told my counselor that the 7-9 region on the happiness scale is such an abstract idea to me, that I cannot really wrap my head around it actually being possible. On the other hand, I remember clearly all those times I was in the 2s and 3s even now. And if keeping those barriers can keep me permanently in the 5s, then I am not sure if I can convince my inner self to let go.
Just like I can still feel the pain of all my various investment losses, but not so much the joys of the gains (now that I think about it, I didn’t have that many anyway), hence, my super conservative investment strategy (or what little there is of it).
So now there is standoff. I need to let down my barriers to be happy and rich. However, I feel like I cannot let go of these barriers unless I am happy and rich.
What a mess I am.