Reflecting Upon Myself

My (now ex-) therapist used to tell me I am very self aware.

I do spend a lot of time on self reflection. And not for any noble motives of bettering myself etc etc, since I am mostly too lazy to improve on my faults. What motivates me is the fact that I think it is a pathetic thing to have to lie to oneself about one’s actions/motives etc. I don’t care much about being a hypocrite in front of other people (although I avoid it if I can), but I draw a line at putting on a front to myself. If I can’t even be honest with me, what is the whole point really?

And so, it has become a habit to self investigate my actions and motivations, and to continually ask myself, “Did you do that because of A, or really because of B?”, “Are you really happy with the consequences of A, or are you putting on a front?” etc.

Anyway, this past few weeks has been one long exercise in self reflection. Actually, it has been a continual phase since my funk last December as I attempt to figure out how I really want my life to move forward. The results, well, are not too stellar.

I am honestly not sure if it is a good thing that I care less for societal norms the older I grow. There is societal norms as applies to me personally (juggling expectations versus actual achievements) and there is societal norms as applies to my interaction with others (being nice to people, not expressing judgement etc). While I am much better at the former (and more secure in myself as a result), I think I am fast becoming a not very nice person.

I don’t really know when I started to abandon the veneer of civilization. Perhaps it is something that comes with age, but recently I find myself expressing obvious impatience at slowness in others, saying what I really think even if it is less than nice(and gosh, I used to HATE that when others do that to me), and giving people I don’t like direct cuts. And I do those things because I don’t care if the people I do that to end up disliking me because of that. And I don’t care because I am content just by myself and few people I care about.

I want to reverse that. I don’t want to go back to that insecure kid of my childhood, youth and young adulthood. But I don’t want to be Nasty Nancy either.

It is not so easy for me, to have to exercise self control again after having the freedom of speech and action. And really, this is why I have never believed in the concept of freedom. Too many of us, including myself, forget that freedom is no stand-alone concept; it always comes with responsibility.

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