I had a cleaning bout last week, which improved my mood quite a bit. I don’t know why it didn’t occur to me to do some deep cleaning and de-cluttering earlier, since it had always worked to bring me out of funks earlier. Anyway, this in turn made me think I was more or less back to normal, and I was…kind of happy and looking forward to work and earning an income again. Until my tenant called last Friday with a few issues to be fixed, and then…boom! I was plunged into anxiety land again.
And so, I am back at work…still somewhat anxious. And tired. Three months of sleeping in, and afternoon naps whenever, can wreck incredible havoc with internal clocks. The good thing is that my managers are not loading me with stuff. The bad thing is that I ran off my mouth about my anxiety issues, so they are looking rather askance at me.
Also, did you know that entry level admin clerks are paid $4K to $5K a month with benefits these days? I didn’t, until my financial advisor shared with me recently that she tried to hire one, and this was what they were all asking for. Seriously?! Am I just out of touch, or are job seekers these days all delusional? She couldn’t afford to pay this, so she is still doing without one. I told her any time she could afford to hire people to do basic paperwork for that kind of money, to look no further; I would up and quit my job in a heartbeat.
I also finally have my financial numbers. It seems that my time away from work didn’t do that much damage, because my net worth increased by about $4K from August, not including the $18K gift from my mother, thanks to some of the speculative stocks moving in my tiny, tiny portfolio. So, in total, I am at about $781K, not counting the capital appreciation from the condo (about $450K). I am pretty worried about all the local tightening in the lending market recently, but am hoping things will get better after the next two years when I plan to sell.
It does pinch me a little when I think about what the numbers could have been like if I had received a salary for the past three months. But there is a little exhilaration there too. Just a year ago, I was totally envious of someone else who took a one year sabbatical from her lawyer job and went back after she spent down her savings, and was sure I could never survive the same. And yet, here I am, three months without income, without a dent in my savings. Maybe I can be just as badass after all.
I feel a little guilt too, when I think of many of my peers hustling like mad just to move their net worths a dollar ahead; and of the additional responsibilities and situations that others have, like kids, serious medical issues etc, that make it harder for them to move forward, and it doesn’t seem right that I should get it so easy.
And yet, despite living what most people would consider a rather charmed life, the past few months have been littered with moments of wishing for someone to lean on, who would tell me not to worry my little head about things, and it would all be taken care of. And hot on the heels of that thought, would come more guilt for wanting such a thing when I have such an easy life, and feeling that I’ve betrayed modern womanhood and my independent fellow sisters-in-arms.
So, anyway, I’m back in with the living, somewhat richer, still somewhat messed up and a lot guilty (I should probably write a whole post on all the guilty things). Come along for the ride.